Review of 'TattleTales' by 6ix9ine

This album is a crime against music. Send 6ix9ine back to jail.

Review of 'PLANET'S MAD' by Baauer

These are some of the most creatively filthy EDM bangers I’ve ever heard.

Review of 'Zuu' by Denzel Curry

‘My momma said, ‘trust no hoe, use a rubber’.

Review of 'Harverd Dropout' by Lil Pump

Despite evidently not being able to spell (or rap for that matter), Lil Pump is a self-made millionaire at 18 - and he’s decided to spend his new album telling everyone that school is for losers.

Review of 'FM!' by Vince Staples

Vince knows how to cram a lot of energy into 22 minutes.

Review of 'Queen' by Nicki Minaj

Does Nicki Minaj deserve the title of 'queen', or is her plastic butt not worthy of the throne?

Review of 'TA13OO' by Denzel Curry

Denzel spits, sings and screeches on his most dynamic record to date.

Double Review: 'Lil Pump' by Lil Pump and '17' by XXXTentacion

Is ‘Soundcloud rap’ hip hop’s glorious punk phase - or a new musical low?

Review of 'Teenage Emotions' by Lil Yachty

‘She blow that dick like a cello’.

Review of 'Peach Panther' by Riff Raff

Houston rapper Riff Raff has always been an utter goofball. But he was once a goofball aware of his own ridiculousness. Now it seems, Riff Raff genuinely thinks he’s an amazing rapper, which is a worry for us all.

Review of 'Free Weezy Album' by Lil Wayne

‘Woo this that shit you didn’t want me on’ the Louisiana rapper opens the album with to the accompaniment of a soaring choral beat followed by some genuinely tight flows. For a brief moment I was genuinely excited. Lil Wayne seemed to have upped his game, finally scrapping the bland poppy beats and actually riding these beats instead slurring over them like a drunkard.

Review of '32 Zel/Planet Shrooms' by Denzel Curry

The hip hop community are going to start getting serious bedsores if they continue to sleep on this Floridian rapper any longer. Sporting some of the tightest flows and creative beats in the game, this dude is a clear mile ahead of every other trap rapper in the game.

Review of 'AT.LONG.LAST.A$AP' by A$AP Rocky

New York emcee, A$AP Rocky, has become one of the more prominent names in the trap rap scene largely for his quirky metrosexual fashion sense (remember that time he once wore a skirt) and his banging selection of beats (the main appeal to me). When it comes to his actual rapping ability, there's not much to separate him from others in the game. His flow is adept and he’s a lot less annoying than some of his autotune-warbling contemporaries, but at the end of the day he’s just another dude spitting about money, drugs and bitches (which is fine if you’re not a lyric snob like me).

AT.LONG.LAST.A$AP sees Rocky taking influence from trip hop and ‘old 60s psychedelic shit’. At 18 tracks, it’s not the most concise album in the world, but it does manage to keep up the pace. Arguably, the best tracks are left until last. ‘Better Things’ might just be the prettiest here, swiftly followed by the hardest track ‘M’$’, that’ll make you want to fix your car with hydraulics.  ‘Everyday’ meanwhile features a killer boom-bap beat courtesy of Mark Ronson, plus vocal features from Miguel and – of all people – Rod Stewart (although I’m pretty sure it’s just a sample).

Me whilst listening to 'M'$'

Altogether, the album relies hard on guest performances. There are lots of names to gawp at. Many disappoint – I knew I’d find M.I.A. and Future’s verses annoying, but I expected more from Kanye who spends his bars rhyming the same word with the same word: ‘sometimes the best advice, is no advice, especially when it’s your advice’. Lil Wayne is the only surprise here, laying down a killer verse on ‘M’$’. Like his performance on the recent Tyler album, he proves he can actually ride a beat instead of delivering the slurry nonsense we’re all used to.

I’m yet to research into who exactly Joe Fox is, but he seems to contribute the most guest performances on this record, largely bringing the ‘old 60’s psychedelic shit’ influence. Four tracks feature folksy-sung hooks from him. They feel like something Eminem might do, except without the cheesiness that was all over The Marshall Mathers LP 2. In fact, Joe Fox’s recurring appearances seem to give the album the motif it needs, stopping it from becoming a jumbled mess and giving it all a sense of cohesion.

I Googled 'Joe Fox' and a picture of Tom Hanks came up. I am none the wiser.

The album ends with perhaps the most poignant of all the guests – a spoken section from Rocky’s recently-passed mentor, A$AP Yams. For me this is one of the best tracks here, not because of sentimental value, but because Rocky really seems to be rapping his ass off on it. It’s the only real song where Rocky sounds like he’s pushing his ability, and not simply cruising. Maybe we can expect more of this in the future. For now, the beats are still the clincher. 

★★★☆☆

TRACK TASTER:

Review of 'Barter 6' by Young Thug

This album wasn’t the turd I expected it to be. For one there’s no annoying autotune and less dying cat warbles. In fact, the drug-addled metrosexual Atlanta rapper is actually spitting on most of these tracks, some of his flows regretfully impressing me. The trap beats aren’t all bad either – some are generic, but others like ‘Constantly Hating’ and ‘Dream’ have a spacey and atmospheric vibe more akin to Drake’s recent album. That all said, Young Thug’s lyrics are yet to see any improvements, still consisting of the same clichés and nonsense as before. ‘I am a beast, I am obese’ is a genuine line from this record as is ‘I want that neck like a giraffe/ I like fish in water, I’m a bear’. I guess there’s a certain goofiness to it that’s entertaining, but it’s nothing on Riff Raff. Overall, Young Thug just seems to be trying to sound more like his idol Lil Wayne. Given that Thugga has already stolen Wayne’s look, given that the title of this album was originally going to be ‘The Carter 6’, it’s no surprise that Young Thug is now trying to steal Lil Wayne’s sound (all under the influence of evil puppeteer Birdman of course). Fans may praise Young Thug’s originality, but personally I’m yet to see it. He just strikes me as a wannabe-Lil-Wayne - which I think you'll agree is fairer than my previous criticisms on this blog.

★★☆☆☆

TRACK TASTER:

Review of 'Rebel Heart' by Madonna

There are few fifty-six year old pop stars that would dare to sing over a dirty Diplo-produced trap beat. There are also few fifty-six year old pop singers that would dare to sing about drugs, cunnilingus and the art of being a bitch in such explicit detail as can be found on this album.

It’s admirable that after all these years Madonna is still making music that’s current and controversial. Back in the eighties, songs such as ‘Like a Virgin’ were pushing the sexual boundaries of pop music. By today’s standard such a track is tame. In fact it’s hard to make a genuinely shocking sex song in 2015 and yet on Rebel Heart, Madonna somehow manages it – the Kanye-produced ode-to-oral-sex ‘Holy Water’ containing lines as outrageous as ‘Yeezus loves my pussy best’.

Kanye produces several of the beats on this record.

It’s crude. It’s hilarious. It’s embarrassing. It’s commendable. The ageist part of me thinks that she’s simply too old for this shit. However, the more liberal part of me respects her for not doing what every other middle-aged musician does. Quite frankly, it would have been too easy for the pop icon to do a folksy right-of-passage album about her life lessons. Similarly, it would have been too easy for her to jump on the eighties-revival bandwagon and continue churning out retro hits like Duran Duran and more recently Kylie.

Instead, Madonna has gone the hard route and tried to play catch-up with the edginess of today’s divas – the Mileys and Kanyes of this world. The result is an album that’s semi-ridiculous in its arrogance and shock value. Containing track titles such as ‘Bitch I’m Madonna’ and an entire song dedicated to the illuminati, Rebel Heart is a diamond chandelier of gimmickry. Half the songs make you think to yourself ‘did that just happen? Did Madonna really just do a song with Chance the Rapper and Mike Tyson? Did Madonna really just dedicate an entire track to her ladyparts?’

Yep, Mike Tyson is on this album. lolwot

Known for taking herself rather too seriously at times,  one could argue that a lot of the songs' boastful and outrageous moments prove that the Queen of Clubs does in fact have a sense of humour. Indeed, I too could believe this if it wasn't for the equal number of bland and forgettable sincere moments interspersed into the tracklist, moments so bland and forgettable that they're just as offensive.

'Ghost Town', 'Joan of Arc' and 'Living for Love' tackle Madonna's own fame and take the format of cookie-cut radio-friendly electro-ballads that feel more like attempts to fit in with today's pop crowd rather than stand out amongst the crowd. Some people may remember 'Living for Love' in years to come if only for it's unforgettable Brit performance, and even then this will forever be for all the wrong reasons.

Madonna during her Brit Awards performance of 'Living for Love', accidentally being yanked off stage by her cape (yeah, I had to mention it in this review) 

Overall, Rebel Heart sways from being overly obnoxious to not obnoxious enough. The only track that really sits anywhere in the middle is 'Devil Pray. It's lyrics about sniffing glue and doing E are edgy, but not pushed to outrageous extremes. Meanwhile, the instrumental isn't a tuneless Diplo synth-squeal, nor is it a boring electro-ballad. Instead we get a guitar-strummed beat that's memorable for the simple fact that it sounds good.

Perhaps that's what's missing most from Rebel Heart - feelgood melodic songs that don't rely on gaudiness to get engrained in your head.
★★☆☆☆

TRACK TASTER:

Review of 'If You're Reading This Its Too Late' by Drake

‘If I die, I’m a legend’.

Review of 'SremmLife' by Rae Sremmurd

Help me. I’m trying to understand the appeal of these two goofs and failing.

Review of 'STN MTN/Kauai' by Childish Gambino

Childish Gambino is the musical alter-ego of Community actor, Donald Glover. I was a big fan of his last album, Because the Internet, (review here) and after hearing the single ‘Sober’ was pretty excited for this new release, ‘STN MTN/Kauai’.

Review of 'Green Language' by Rustie

Rustie's latest EDM album feels excessive.

Review of Gangsta Stripper Music 2 by BeatKing

Loving the rainbow! Gay pride all the way!

Sexually explicit inane lyrics. Check. Obnoxious 808 bass drums. Check. Autotuned and pitched down vocals. Check. Staccato flows that sound like someone's having an asthma attack. Check.