It’s time for that annual post when I round up the year’s
most abominable tracks. Which songs will feature this year? Despacito? Shape of You? Havana? Let’s be honest, those tracks have been overplayed – but they
weren’t bad. Like, not really bad.
Here are a few songs from 2017 that really take the crown.
10. ‘Paris’ – The
Chainsmokers
My review of the latest Chainsmokers record wasn’t very
positive. This single epitomises why. With its moody teenage lyrics, glossy
pianos and general lack of energy, the result is undanceable dance music with
about as much depth as a paddling pool.
9. ‘Swalla’ – Jason
Derulo ft. Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign
‘shimmy shimmy yay, shimmy yay, shimmy ya (drank)/ swall-la-la-la’. My
one-month-year old daughter could come up with more intelligible lyrics than
that. The beat does get your hips moving, but then you realise it’s just a
rip-off of the Macarena.
8. ‘Da Race’ – Lanze
I’ve got to give it to this Ohio rapper – he’s got his own
unique style. But he can barely keep his asthma attack flow in time with the
beat, nor come up with any smart bars. It sounds like the kind of freestyle I’d
pull off after climbing three flights of stairs.
7. ‘Peek a Boo’ – Lil
Yachty ft. Migos
To be honest, any Lil Yachty single from this year could fit
snugly on this list, but the line ‘she
blow that dick like a cello’ makes this particular track unforgivable.
6. ‘Footprints in the
Sand’ – Ian Errix
It’s like the worst of emo just collided with the worst of
EDM. I also can’t stand faux-deep sentiments like ‘we’re all just footprints in the sand’. Put down your bong mate,
you’re no philosopher.
5. ‘Mo Bounce’ – Iggy
Azalea
The year of the butts was 2014. That year gave us a
plentiful supply of butt anthems. Iggy’s latest addition shows she’s already
lost her relevancy. Also, that ‘bounce’ hook makes me want to garrotte myself
with my headphones.
4. ‘Devil on Hwy 9’ -
Danzig
I’m convinced the gnarled rocker ran out of money in the
recording studio and so told the producers ‘don’t
worry about the vocals guys, I’ll record them on my phone’. The result
sounds like bad karaoke.
3. ‘Masturbate’ –
Princess Vitarah
I get that she’s a meme rapper, but this is too much for my
innocent ears.
2. ‘Cumshot’ –
Cupcakke
Pretty much identical in tone to the last track, only
Cupcakke managed to step it up an extra notch. It makes me want to wear a
chastity belt for the rest of my life. I didn’t know it was possible to be put
off sex.
Now for the grand finale…
*drumroll*
1. ‘It’s Everyday
Bro’ – Jake Paul ft. Team 10
2017 proved that anyone can become a rapper nowadays. Even
the ‘Cash Me Ousside’ brat scored a record deal this year (I’ve avoided
listening to any of her material, in case people were wondering why Bhad Bhabie
isn’t on this list). All it takes to become a rapper nowadays is money and the
audacity to think you can rap.
That isn’t to say anyone can become a ‘good’ rapper. Take
vlogger Jake Paul and his fearsome posse of fellow Youtubers, whose hit ‘It’s
Everyday Bro’ has amassed over 150 million views. The Vine star gets off to an
ok start referring self-deprecatingly too his ‘Disney channel flow’, but before long his bars drift off-beat and
next minute he’s uttering lines like ‘and
I just dropped some new merch/ and its selling like a God church’.
A ‘God church’? What other churches are there? But wait, it
gets worse. Because then Nick Crompton takes to the mic and utters the infamous
line that has made this song the internet sensation that it is: ‘England is my city’.
It wouldn’t be so bad were it just a one-off meme. But now
every Youtuber with a considerable fanbase is writing sincere rap songs – all because
of this monstrosity. People shouldn’t be concerned about Soundcloud rap.
Youtube rap is the movement that could turn hip hop on its head.